Accept conflict.
Remember that conflict is natural and
happens in every ongoing relationship. Since conflict is unavoidable we must learn to
manage it. Conflict is a sign of a need for change and an opportunity for growth, new
understanding, and improved communication. Conflict can not be resolved unless it is
addressed with the appropriate individual(s).
Be a calming agent.
Regardless of whether you are
being a sounding board for a friend or you are dealing with your own conflict, your
response to the conflict can escalate or decrease the intensity of the problem. To be
calming, provide an objective or neutral point of view. Help plan how you are going to
work with the other party to achieve resolution.
Listen actively.
Work through how you feel, what
the specific problem is and what impact it is having on you. Use I -based statements to
help do this (see formula below).
- I feel (strongest feeling)
- When you (objective description of the behavior)
- Because (specific impact or consequences)
- I would like (what you want the person to do in the future to prevent the problem)
Analyze the conflict.
Analyze the conflict to help
clarify the specific problem. Some questions that you may ask are:
- What triggered the conflict?
- Who are you angry with?
- What are you not getting that you want?
- What are you afraid of losing?
- Is your conflict/anger accurate or over exaggerated?
- How can your conflict be resolved?
Model neutral language.
When people are in conflict
they use inflammatory language such as profanity, name calling, and exaggerations that
escalate the conflict. Restate inflammatory language in a more objective way to help make
the information less emotionally laden and more useful for future discussions.
Separate the person from the problem.
View the
problem as a specific behavior or set of circumstances rather than attributing negative
feelings to the whole person. This approach makes the problem more manageable and hopeful
than deciding you "can’t stand" this person any longer.
Work together.
This requires that each person stop
placing blame and take ownership of the problem. Make a commitment to work together and
listen to each other to solve the conflict.
Agree to disagree.
Each person has a unique point
of view and rarely agrees on every detail. Being right is not what is important. When
managing conflict, seeking the "truth" can trap you rather than set you free.
For example, consider the differing testimony of witnesses that all see the same car
accident. Truth is relative to the person’s point of view.
Focus on the future.
In conflict we tend to
remember every single thing that ever bothered us about that person. People in conflict
need to vent about the past but they often dwell on the past. Often the best way to take
ownership of the problem is to recognize that regardless of the past, you need to create a
plan to address the present conflict and those that may arise in the future.
"Move past positions".
A position is the
desired outcome of a conflict. Often the position is "I need a new roommate" or
"This person is impossible to live with". Positions are not negotiable and
result in impasse. To resolve conflict, each person has to "move past
positions".
Share your interests.
To solve interpersonal
conflict, all parties must talk about their interests or the WHYs behind their positions.
They must share their true interests and work together to find a solution that satisfies
those interests. Common interests for students are to sleep, study, entertain and relax in
a comfortable atmosphere. Often their interests are more intangible such as respect,
belonging, friendship, and fun. When individuals have differing lifestyles, values, and
schedules the need to discuss their differences is critical in managing conflict. You must
develop a balanced plan of give and take that satisfies everyone’s interests.
Be creative.
Finding a resolution to the problem
that satisfies everyone requires creativity and hard work. Be careful not to give in
simply to avoid conflict or maintain harmony. Agreements reached too early usually do not
last. Generate silly options to begin thinking "outside of the box" of original
positions.
Be specific.
When problem solving be very specific.
For example if you are using a roommate agreement to facilitate the discussion make sure
that everyone fully understands each point that is written down. Clarify ambiguous terms
that each person may interpret differently.
Maintain confidentiality.
Encourage others who are
in conflict to deal directly with the person they are in conflict with. Avoiding the
conflict and venting to others tends to escalate the conflict and fuels the rumor mill. If
rumors are already part of the conflict, encourage them to work out a plan to put an end
to the gossip. Do your part to quell rumors.
Mediation Services:
When you need some help working
out a conflict, mediation is an option available to you as a student and any party that
you are in conflict with regardless of student status. Student Mediation Services can help
with relationship and roommate issues, problems with neighbors, landlord/ tenant and other
consumer disputes, group issues that may occur in student organizations or classes and
much more.
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